A well-written piece for your first literature submission. You did really well on the impact side of things, it was a very effective way of portraying some of your thoughts. Your technique is rather polished as well, I like how it's not in full paragraph format, almost like a poem but resembling a story; it's good to read. Your originality falls slightly short of the impact and vision, mainly because I think you could put more of your characters thoughts into this. Thoughts such as what caused such a situation, what happened leading up to this, and perhaps you could pinpoint more thoughts that your character is having at the time. You have a great deal of feeling in there which is awesome, and your description is stunning, but more thoughts would be the icing on the cake.
Your technique is something that comes with practicing writing more. Your technique as it is now is commendable, but it can be improved. It links back to adding more thought into it, that could become part of your technique? I also notice you use a hyphen a lot to connect sentences, and there are other ways of doing this, such as using commas and semi colons.
All in all, a very readable piece of work. I'm glad you submitted it! Keep in mind your technique and originality, you're well on your way to becoming a fantastic writer.
I love this kind of critique. I love when the text is well-organized!
Thank you! It's my first published critique so I'm relieved to hear I'm doing something right. Your critiques are very good yourself, I like how you start with "first of all ..." to really emphasize the start of your critique. Thanks again
Thanks a lot! It's my usual style, that I found to be very usefull after writing critiques for some time.
I see, it's a very good place to start I believe. After reading over some of your critiques I think a lot of people could learn some valuable lessons from you! I'll have to check in again at a later date, see what I can get for myself